Sefer HaChinuch ספר החינוך

To not marry one of all the sexual prohibitions: To not indulge [we not indulge] in one of all of the [women forbidden by] sexual prohibitions — and they are the [close] relatives, a married woman and a menstruant — and even without intercourse, such as hugging and kissing and all that is similar to these evil acts that licentious ones, “that go after vanity and become vanity,” develop expertise about. As it is stated (Leviticus 18:6), “Any man shall not approach any of his own flesh, to reveal nakedness” — and its understanding is as if it stated, “Do not do any approaching, which is what causes and brings a person to reveal nakedness.” And so did they, may their memory be blessed expound (Sifra, Acharei Mot, Chapter 13:15, 21), “‘Shall not approach to reveal’ — I only have not to reveal. From where [do I know] not to approach? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘And to a woman in the impurity of her menstruation you shall not approach’ (Deuteronomy 18:19). I only have a menstruant with ‘do not [approach’ and ‘do not] reveal.’ From where [do I know] for all sexual prohibitions? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘do not approach to reveal.’” And there it is said, “‘And the souls that do, will be cut off’ (Deuteronomy 18:29) — lest you say they will be liable for excision with approaching alone. [Hence] we learn to say, ‘that do,’ and not ‘that approach.’”

And the negative commandment of this prohibition was repeated in its stating, “and you shall not do from any of [these] abominations” (Leviticus 18:26), which includes all of these matters which are an abomination to God, may He be blessed. [This] means to say, that one who does them distances himself from the good and removes from himself the providence of God, blessed be He. And this is the understanding of the abominable to the Lord, may He be blessed, in every place, according to that which I have heard. And also that which is written at the end of the matter, “for all of these abominations did the people of the land that were before you do” (Leviticus 18:27), “and I was disgusted with them” (Leviticus 20:23). And the matter is to say that the trait is very disgusting. And every thing that is bad and very vile, Scripture describes as if God, may He be blessed, hates. And it is all according to the matter that we said; and similar to what they, may their memory be blessed, said in every place (Mekhilta DeRabbi Yishmael 19:18:2), [it is] in order to break [to assuage] the ear to that which it can hear. And the language of Sifra, Acharei Mot, Section 8:8 is “‘Like the deed of the land of Egypt and like the deed of the land of Canaan, etc.’ (Leviticus 18:27) — perhaps they should not build or plant as they do? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘and in their statutes you shall not walk.’ I have only said those statutes which were instituted for them, and not their buildings. What did they do? A man would wed a man, and a woman, a woman; and a woman would wed two men.”

I have written in the Parshah of Vayishma Yitro in the negative commandment of “You shall not commit adultery” (Sefer HaChinukh 35) that which I have known about the root of distancing from licentiousness. And this commandment is also from that root — that we were prevented from approaching the sexual prohibition with any approach. As it is known that approaching is the cause of the revealing of nakedness (sexual transgression) — [which, in turn] draws (finds) several mishaps and several losses, as I wrote there. However that reason will [only] suffice for a married woman. But for relatives, we still need another reason. And in the warning (prohibition) of the nakedness of the mother (Sefer HaChinukh 190), we shall write that which we shall know about it.

From the laws of the commandment is that which they, may their memory be blessed, said (Avot 3:13; Avot D'Rabbi Natan 2) about this for a fence, and that is that a man not motion with his hand nor hint with eyes to one of the sexual prohibitions, nor to joke with them at all. And it is even forbidden to smell perfume that is on them; and not to gaze at women at all, and even at a bride — with the intention to derive pleasure. And they forbade to stare even at their small finger. [This is] besides the wife of a man, as it is permitted for him to gaze at her beauty, and even while she is still menstruant, as she will be permitted to him later. And there is an assumption about an Israelite that his impulse is given over to his hand (under control) in an example like this, that is dependent upon time. And it is specifically at the revealed places upon her that they permitted to stare while she is still a menstruant, but not at the covered [places] so that his evil impulse not cover (overcome) him.

And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, also said (Berakhot 24a) that it is forbidden to stare even at the hair of a woman that is forbidden to him. And even to hear her voice with the intention to derive pleasure from it is forbidden. And even to stare at the colored clothes of a woman — meaning to say, beautiful clothes, the way of which is to make them from colored fabric — is forbidden, so long as he knows the woman that wears them, since by seeing the garment, he will come to have improper thoughts about her. And they also distanced [us] that we should not ask about the welfare of a married woman at all, and even through her husband (Kiddushin 70b and Tosafot s.v. ein shoelin).

And there are many details of the distancings that they warned about this matter, but the general principle of the matter is that a man should not do anything in the world that brings him to improper thoughts about women — not in action, not in speech and not with any hint to bring close the weak mind of a woman to his mind — except for only his wife. And like this matter did the prophet rebuke the men of his generation, in his saying to them (Jeremiah 5:8), “each one is neighing at his neighbor’s wife” — meaning to say, according to their way that they appear as if they do not intend this, they hint to the wives of their neighbors hints of adultery, and raise their voices in such a way that these women should listen to them and their impulse be aroused towards love of the adulterer. And it is not from the possible to say [all of] the details of the matters that a man will know to do to bring the mind of a woman, which is weak, close to him. And therefore they, may their memory be blessed, [only] mentioned a few of them. But with the rest, each and every one should be careful to guard himself according to what he finds with his person, “as the Lord sees to the heart.”

And in any case, according to what appears from all that they, may their memory be blessed, have warned us, a man is not permitted to budge from their good teaching. And even if he finds himself a little devoid of desire, he should not say, “Since I find myself so, what do I care if I stare at women, since I know about myself that my impulse will not be aroused by this” — as many have said like this and stumbled. And about this, they, may their memory be blessed, hinted when they said (Sukkah 52a) that the impulse is very weak at first and continues to [grow until it] greatly overpower[s] a man. And you, my son, be very careful about this and do not let your impulse promise you [that it will not overpower you], even if it gives you a thousand pledges. And that which you find a few stories in the Gemara that appear to contradict these words of mine — meaning to say that a few of them were not concerned about even that which our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, forbade with women — this is not a contradiction to my words at all. As they were only a little lenient in the place of a commandment, as we found with Rabbi Yochanan who would sit at the gates of the [place of] immersion in order that the women would stare at him and give birth to sons as beautiful as he (Berakhot 20a), but he did not stare at them, God forbid; and Rebbi, and Rav Acha, who would take a bride on his shoulders for a commandment, as he did this in order to have her rejoice (Ketuvot 17a); and a few matters similar to this.

And also as they, may their memory be blessed, were like angels, as they had no other occupation — even for a short time — besides Torah and the commandments; and their intention was famous to the whole world like the sun; and they would not feel any evil feeling about anything, due to their great clinging to the Torah and the commandments. But we now should not even breach a small fence in these matters at all, but rather guard all of the distancings that they, may their memory be blessed, informed us [about] in particular. And regarding that which they did not mention, each and every one should do according to that which he finds his person ready, as we said. As if he finds about himself that he needs a fence even about the permissible, he should fence himself — as we found (Kiddushin 81b) one of the Sages who said, “Be careful with me because of my daughter,” even though it is permitted for a man to isolate himself with his daughter, as we will write with God’s will — since this matter is very difficult, and the evil impulse about it is strong.

Therefore every man should increase his guarding. And if upon running into a beautiful woman, a man will think that Gehinnom is open between her eyelids and that any who approaches her will burn in a perpetual fire, and review his thoughts about these things, “it will not be a cause of stumbling for him.” And they, may their memory be blessed, said (Berakhot 5a) that if [he] does not have the power in his hand to kill the impulse and to distance its thought from him, he should recite the reading of Shema or involve himself with Torah [study]. And they informed us that it will die with this in any event — as they, may their memory be blessed, said (Kiddushin 31a), “If it is a stone it will dissolve, and if it is iron, it will explode, as it is stated (Jeremiah 23:29), ‘Is My word not thus, like fire, etc.’”

And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, also said (Kiddushin 80b) about this commandment that it is forbidden to isolate oneself with all of the Torah-level sexual prohibitions — whether old or young — as isolation brings to revealing nakedness. [This is the case] except for a mother with her son, a father with his daughter and a husband with his wife who is a menstruant — who are permitted, except for a groom whose wife has become menstruant before he has intercourse. And it is permissible to isolate oneself with a male and with a beast, as Israelites are not suspected about this. And when the story of Amnon and Tamar occurred, David and his court decreed [to forbid] isolation with a single woman (Avodah Zarah 36b). Shammai and Hillel decreed [to forbid] isolation with [gentiles]. And they, may their memory be blessed, permitted (Kiddushin 41a) to stare at a single woman by one who stares to know if he will marry her as a wife if she is beautiful in his eyes. And they also said that it is fitting to do so, that a man not marry until he sees her; so that he not come to divorce her afterwards, if she becomes unsightly in his eyes. And the rest of the details of the commandment are elucidated in many scattered places in the Talmud. (See Tur, Even HaEzer 21.)

And [it] is practiced in every place and at all times by males and females; as it is forbidden for them as well to have improper thoughts about men besides their husbands. As it is fitting for them to draw all of their yearning and desire towards [their husbands]; and so do the proper daughters of Israel do. And one who transgresses it and approaches a sexual prohibition with approaching of the flesh, in order that he derive pleasure from it, is lashed when warned and volitional. And if he transgressed on the remaining things that they, may their memory be blessed, forbade as a distancing — such as laughing and light-headedness — and they warned him but he did not prevent himself [from it], they would strike him with lashes of rebellion. And Ramban, may this memory be blessed, wrote (on Sefer HaMitzvot, Negative Commandments 353) that we should not count this negative commandment of approaching in the tally of the negative commandments, as all distancing of approaching is rabbinic. And the proof is that which they, may their memory be blessed, said (Talmud Yerushalmi Sanhedrin 7:7), “Rabbi Yose beRebbi Bon said, ‘It is “do not approach,” it is “do not reveal”’” — meaning to say, that there is no negative commandment of approaching besides the negative commandment of revealing. And the rest of his many proofs are in his Book of Commandments 347 (it should say 353).